Infertility Awareness 2017

This week begins our 4th year of unexplained infertility.

When we decided to “start” trying to get pregnant you could not have prepared me for what the past 36 months would be like. The buckets of tears I would cry after painful procedures and negative pregnancy tests. You could not have prepared me for how closely I would check labels on everything from mascara to ketchup. Or how many times I would have to quietly delete social media from my phone to stop from obsessing over others pregnancy announcements.

In the past 36 months I have gone from excited, to embarrassed, to outspoken. Excited at the thought of joining my best friends in the joys of motherhood, embarrassed that I seemed to be broken and unable to carry a baby, and now outspoken on the heartbreak that infertility brings. My life, and my heart is different. I am a different person.

I have panic attacks: Jesus redeems. I am weak to the point of inconsolability: Jesus is strong. My mind wants to live in the “what-ifs”: Jesus whispers truth. I mourn when my friends are joyful: Jesus gives grace. I am weary: Jesus gives rest.

My hope is not in my ability to carry a child in my womb. My hope is in the ability of Jesus to make me whole.

Month after month I read the story of the fiery furnace. Daniels friends were faced with the hardest choice of their lives and this was their response.

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18)

But even if He does not.

He could. God could have swooped down and delivered those guys from the fire. He easily could have said, “wow guys, thanks so much for sticking up for me and not bowing to the idols”. But instead Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were thrown into the fire and God got the glory.

He is good. So good. He is able to deliver me from my hurt. But even if he doesn’t, I will not give in to the devil’s lies about my ability to be a mother. Even if He does not, He will still receive glory. This is my prayer and my hope. That others would see my fight, my story, my hurt, and see God getting the glory.

This past week was Infertility Awareness week. I am thankful for the stories I have heard  this week from women and men, telling their stories and bathing each other in grace. If you know a woman or couple who is currently battling infertility, send them a card. Remind them they are loved and cherished. Because you never know when the dark moments come, and there could never be enough support.

sometimes you need a giant stuffed puppy to cuddle you better.

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Preparing and Praying

Waiting. 

I am pretty sure there is no one in the history of the world who has said to themselves “Wow, waiting is so fun! I just love waiting!”. If you have ever been through the foster care or adoption process you know how this particular waiting feels. The emotions flow every time you meet with your DCFS agent, licensing worker, or attend a class. We are thankful for all of the screening and training, but we would also love to just have a child in our home.

On the flip side. It gives us time to pray and prepare. The most pressing realization during the wait is the sheer amount of things we have to have. Because, we realized, we aren’t just preparing for a newborn (although we are), but we are also preparing for a terrible two and a kindergartener. We know brothers and sisters and babies will enter our home without carseats or clothing or school supplies. So we work our hardest to be prepared. If I am being totally honest…I am a pretty terrible preparer. I stand in the camp of “just throw some things in the car and go”(anyone else in my camp?!). Thank you Jesus for pairing me with a over-planner planner! Chris makes lists and correctly labels things and keeps us on track. He makes me think through new ideas before I run with them. He is going to be the best daddy.

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As I sit here folding and labeling clothes, shoes, and hats I am reminded that it does not matter how much we prepare…there is so much unknown. We have no idea the amount of children who will be reunified with their family vs become ours forever. We have no idea the depth of hurt sweet babies will come to us with or the disabilities that will require endless doctors and therapy visits. This is when I remember the prayer. When I become overwhelmed with the unknown and the financial aspect and the lists that need checkmarks, I am learning to take a timeout and pray. God is so near in these moments. In this stage of our life. Even with all of the moving pieces and transitions and heartbreak we have been given an incredible gift. The gift of peace that passes all of our understanding.

So while we are in this season of praying and preparing: I also wanted to say thank you. All of the books and classes make it evidently clear that this foster care thing takes a village. Out of all of the things that we worry about, our village is not one of them. I know there are some of you who have specifically prayed for peace. Thank you. Thank you for loving our children before we even know them. And thank you for pouring your heart out to God on our behalf. We can feel it.

Now onto more preparing…

 

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Organized Chaos

 

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Anyone have a baby sock folding trick?

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Specifically Praying for the 3 year old who will wear this shirt. ❤

Here we go…Foster Journey pt1

 

 

 

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Friends! We are so very excited to announce that we are on our way to becoming foster parents with the intent of adoption! After over a year of prayer and preparation we have submitted the paperwork to the state and had our first meeting with a licensing agent.

 

This is quite the process and we are just at the beginning but Chris and I believe so strongly in the Church’s role of caring for orphans, we want to raise awareness as we go along our own journey. I will be posting much more once we start our classes and get into the trenches! Please feel free to ask us any questions as we want to keep you informed.

 

And more than anything. Pray for us. Pray for our hearts. For the hearts of the children that will enter our home. For our social workers and judges and birth parents. There are so  many moving parts and people involved.

 

More than anything we want children to know the real love of Jesus Christ.